Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
