dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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