i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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