I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You left your phone here
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