Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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