Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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