im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
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I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
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I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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