So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
