Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
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Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
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You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.