the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
