It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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