4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
