Yo dont text me then not text me
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
