So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
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Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
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There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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