my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
