Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
