see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
