Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
