she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
