I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
