He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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