What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
