as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
