can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
