We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
