evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
