i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
