True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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