Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
