I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
