The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
