she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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