we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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