Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Randomize
