I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
