She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
