She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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