Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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