That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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