you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV