sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
