if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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