I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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