According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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