i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
