video games are the ultimate cock blocker
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
