I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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