My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
