The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
