Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
