Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
