So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
