I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
