respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I want to be your penis for a week.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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