a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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