Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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