fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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