Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
