someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
