Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
