God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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