20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
