is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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