Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
