Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
