I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
