The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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